It's still been months since I last got to the gym and with certain bad habits, a lack of good eating practices and a lack of time to look after my parents, work and have any time off no matter how many times I promise myself that I will get to the gym I have not actually got back their yet.

The big issue I have to get through is to stop smoking , yes I have been smoking again.

I can't believe I started again but I did.

I went back to the Allen Carr's easy Way to Give Up smoking Clinic a few times for the refresher course, but still continued smoking. I said to myself I would definitely stop after the October long weekend, but then everything went out the window when my mother had a stroke and my stress levels have just gone through the roof.

It's funny though I consciously know that going to the gym and stopping smoking will even in the short term help me reduce the stress levels and make me feel better.

Only thing is I just can't find the motivation to do so.

Sitting with my mother in the Acute stroke ward after her stroke was a huge wake up call and terrified me, after all apart from cancer and emphysema, heart disease etc, smoking causes strokes too.

My mother never smoked, it wasn't her thing, but I am sure many of the other patients in that ward did, and I am sure all of them wished they were back at my age with the choice and ability to give up.

Subconsciously I know that all I have to do is set a date and stop smoking and deal with the vagueness and weird emotions for a couple of days.

I sometimes go to bed at night, having no more fags in the house with every intention of never smoking again, but as soon as I wake up I start debating with myself and my intention and motivation flies right out the window.

It's a double edged sword, I can't work out whilst I am still smoking I find it too difficult, and it pretty much negates the gym anyway.

It's an obsession at the moment the whole quitting smoking, it's on my mind EVERY time I feel like a fag or I light one up.

I just have to motivate myself choose a date, and deal with it for a couple of days and accept that I will feel unsettled and weird for a couple of days.

*sigh* wish me luck doing so!